your scent is still here in my place of recovery

...

bracing myself for the storm. 

in silence i grieve, that thy heart could forget

saturday

i've been waking up feeling sad and gloomy. later in the evening, i received notice for a funeral service on wednesday. death is never expected but it comes so quick. insanely quick.  situations like this always put into question how you are choosing to live your life. and the typical age old question of "are you happy?" "are you living without regrets," etc.  normally, i like to shun away from these questions because i think they're complexities dressed in simplicity. (oh- deceiving). but today, with the stockpile of sadness, stress, and death- it is making me re-evaluate everything i do.

also,

sad for my friend. i love her so.

this is my heart 

jason nocito

thanksgiving

i am thankful for my family and friends (always bursting with love- and deserves so much more love than i give them)

frank sinatra

seriously, i think he is the only one who can cure my bad days.

the last night that she lived, it was a common night, except the dying

(cori kindred)

bad days and gloomy skies

i had a good day. but bad days and stress bring out the monsters from inside the closet. This frightens me. these days, i am secretly and unyieldingly emotional and this thick skin has become overly aware and porous to the uncontrollable frustrations, snide remarks, and painful silences made by all monsters at bay. it hurts my heart, just a bit. maybe i too, have been guilty of the same. and immediately i feel remorse and guilt from my lack of empathy, patience, and love- and really, this does eat me up at night. thwarted perceptions and my misunderstanding of people frightens me a bit. the expected becomes so unexpected and reinforces things about myself and my judgments that give me shudders. i'm not sure what to think anymore. people change and unchange. people are kind and unkind. people love and unlove. people hate and unhate. or perhaps they don't. maybe they have never been one or the other. 

i have heard the sound of summer in the rain. i have seen girls on boardwalks have complicated sensations. i understand their hesitations. i am a gatherer of fruit. i have seen how kisses cause euphoria. i have risked enchantment

(youngna park)

things that are nice (in between the mayhem)

the weather, colorful wool & other bursts of color, revisiting ferlinghetti, napping, holiday specials, my friends, people texting "i love you's", patsy cline & kanye's love lockdown, notes in the mail, jeannie's christmas compilation, night time- breeze- fluttering of leaves- coffee (all at the same time), eating cookies in the shape of a heart- because i can and all things pertaining to love.  O- and cole porter too.

5 senses and our memory

the other day, Kurtis, our shop guy cut a piece of walnut for me. After he shut off the band saw, he smiled and explained to me that the smell of cut walnut brought back memories of high school when he first ran the wood across the saw.  i think this is lovely. the smell of gardenias remind me of my favorite summer day in the 7th grade. i don't think this memory will ever go away. 

you're beautiful, like a may fly

...

i don't care what you say, 

there is no right way

i go out walking, after midnight, out in the moonlight

yesterday

probably one of the best days out of the entire term. our materials class went to a glass factory in gardena and worked on two glass tile projects paid for by the school. afterwards, had good japanese food, then sat around starbucks and had those holiday specials with some friends. later, we went to school to watch episodes of always sunny in philadelphia while sharing a tub of starbucks ice cream. it was the best. im already dreaming of yesterday. 

take me out tonight. take me anywhere, i don't care

sky, and to julie

i love skies

unlike ray porter, his love is fearless and without reservation

(photographer: emily blakely)

everyday

just trucking along, as best i can. 

"i have never been so hopeful..."

obama

i can't resist this blogging cliche. but this is important to remember. i am beyond joy.