how the only barometer you have is your heart. how, when you spot your flower, you can't let anything get in your way

oh,

i wish i could play the violin. 

other things

homework, time management lecture, breakfast with linda, and reading twilight during class.

i felt a haunting loneliness sometimes, and felt it in others-- young clerks in the dusk, wasting the most poignant moments of night and life

(works by mitsuru koga & damien hirst)

sunday

my innards were lacking juice, so i gave myself a break and did things i've been meaning to do. i went to abbot kinney's tortoise to look at stone vases made by mitsuru koga. he was there and his work was lovely beyond words. his use of natural materials really inspired me and i ended up spending a good chunk of the night looking at stone carving processes online. and also, because of my extreme lack of patience, i went to lacma to see a damien hirst's butterfly art who my friend mentioned this past friday.  it was grand. grand. and so highly disturbing in a way. 

today

our school is celebrating columbus day. i'll be working on some projects and heading towards my instructors house for a quasi-class time meeting. i still can't believe our entire class is meeting over there today. should be fun. 

i am

still feeling kind of sad. but better. 

you'll be given love. you'll be taken care of. you'll be given love. you have to trust it

yesterday

the gold bug store in pasadena has to be the best store ever. went to their meet and greet with christopher marley, an entomologist, who does wonderful wonderful things with insects of all kinds. so beautiful, so beautiful.

dinner

afterwards. with amaya, kc, and arjun. arjun i just met, and he is obsessed with bugs and i love this about him. feeling guilty for too much enjoyment during evening excursion. 

also yesterday night

two bottles of red with amaya at school, ping pong, lack of schoolwork, and bitter bitter cold. liquor makes me heave uncontrollable amounts of secrets and insecurities. perhaps, these are good things and i should begin heaving sans liquor. 

a note about pingpong

i've played more ping pong these past 4 weeks than i've ever played in my entire life. 

pavilion at night

artcenter has an amazing view of the city. i try to take a peek late in the evenings before i go home. the city sparkles so gently and it makes me feel so many things. 

other things

gloom has struck me like lightning, and its messing me up. there's a lack of "emotional" adjectives in the english language and it drives me mad. what would describe extreme extreme extreme sadness and extreme extreme extreme happiness/love coinciding together? they're twins but always fighting together. this feeling is constant and so consistent in my heart. it is not bittersweetness. its comparison is too neutral.

please,

i want to go driving. to anywhere.

and the beautifullest fireworks are burning in the sky just for you

early morning 

 a funeral 

and

some images things that keep me going

penned up between the sea and sadness. soundless, delirious, between two motionless gondeliers

(rui)

my heart

exhausted. happy, still. in a sad sort of way. stuck somewhere in the "in betweens" and miles of gray everything. white and black still gone. perhaps, disappeared.